|
For those of you who don't know, I
have throat cancer. I have had it for over three years. The VA
believes I have it because of Agent Orange in Vietnam. I never
smoked or used tobacco products. I had surgery and
radiation. It came back in a year in a different place. I had
more radiation. It came back the third time in the original and
in another site. I was in a clinical trial, but it made it worst
so that was stopped. I am now taking chemo to shrink the tumor
again. As a result of this cancer, I have had a tracheostomy
since January 2005. It hasn't been too bad and I have adjusted
to taking care of it each day. I have been able to keep it plug
and breath and talk normally up until lately.
While taking my second round of
radiation, I lost my voice, except for a whisper, but it came
back all right. I sounded a little different and I still had my
Arkansas accent. Again I adjusted to this problem. However,
this last round of cancer has been hard. I have two tumors now;
one inside at the original site; on the epiglottis and hyopharnx,
and the other one on the opposite side of my neck. My tumor
inside my throat was growing and I was having a hard time
swallowing. Food would go up the back of my throat into my
sinuses and I just couldn't eat. So we had a PEG tube put in so
I could maintain my weight. If I am going to be able to fight
this cancer, I have to keep up my strength. That was a big
adjustment not being able to eat. I love good food and enjoy
sharing at the table with family and friends. So far I have
handled it all right.
On Saturday, May 28, 2007, I lost the ability to
talk. I had to start breathing through my trach Sunday all the
time, because of the tumor is blocking my airway. I saw the
doctor this week and he said the tumor was pressing against a
nerve and had paralyzed my tongue as to why I was unable to
speak. I have had a hard time handling this though. I can’t talk
to my wife, make a call or answer the phone. What am I supposed
to do in an emergency? A feeling of panic sets in. I pray for
deliverance and help. I have to write down everything that I
want to say to my family and friends. It is not easy. I can't
even tell my wife I love her with my voice. I know the Lord
doesn't put more on us than we can handle but this is terrible.
I know the bible says the Lord was tempted in all areas just as
we are. I know in Hebrews 4:15-16 "For
we have not a high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling
of our infirmities, but was in all points, tempted like as we
are, yet without sin. Let us therefore, come boldly unto the
throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to
help in time of need. KJV"
This past Monday I was praying and
questioning God, "I never thought Jesus went through what I'm
going through with the loss of his voice." I was frustrated and
angry. I feel so helpless and truly disabled now. I know what
I'm going through is nothing compared to what Jesus suffered on
the cross for my sins, but he never knew what it was like not to
be able to talk; or did he? The next day as I was preparing my
fruit juice for my tube feeding that morning, I was thinking
about this and the Lord revealed this to me. Yes, Jesus did
know what it was like. You see when he was on trial before his
crucifixion, he was led before the leaders like a lamb, and
uttered not a word. Matthew 27: 11-14 "And Jesus stood
before the governor, and the governor asked him, saying, Art
thou the King of the Jews? And Jesus said unto him, Thou sayest.
And when he was accused by the chief priests and elders, he
answered nothing. Then said Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not
how many things they witness against thee? And he answered him
never a word, insomuch that the governor marveled greatly."
(KJV). Pilate then had Jesus scourged. Even then I don't think
Jesus utter a sound. The soldiers put a crown of thorns and his
head and a purple robe, and mock him, yet he didn't say a word.
In John 19: 5 "Then came Jesus forth, wearing the crown of
thorns and the purple robe. And Pilate saith unto them, Behold
the man! When the chief priests, therefore, and officers saw
him, they cried out, saying, Crucify him, crucify him! Pilate
saith unto them, Take ye him, crucify him: for I find no fault
in him. The Jews answered him, We have a law, and by our law he
ought to die, because he made himself the Son of God. When
Pilate, therefore heard that saying, he was the more
afraid; and went again into the judgement hall, and saith unto
Jesus, From where art thou? But Jesus gave him no answer. Then
saith Pilate unto him, Speakest thou not unto me? Knowest thou
not that I have power to crucify thee, and have power to release
thee? Jesus answered, Thou couldest have no power at all
against me, except it were given thee from above; therefore, he
that delivered me unto thee hath the greater sin." (KJV).
From here Jesus did speak one more time to the company of people
and women who were crying and lamented him. Found in Luke 23:
28-32. From there to Golgotha, (the place of the skull) he
didn't say a recorded word. He was silent. Even when being
nailed to the cross he didn't cry out or make a sound. While on
the cross, dying and suffering, he only made 7 statements. He
was silent. He could have used his voice to call out legions of
angel to rescue him and wipe out the world, but he didn't. He
chose to fulfill God's plan and he kept silent. Yes, he does
know what it like not speak in the mist of suffering. He was
obedient unto death to bring us salvation.
Yes, I know he died for my sins,
but there is more: The bible says by his stripes, we are healed.
Not only forgiven, but healed. He took our sins and our
infirmities (our sickness-diseases) on himself, and we are
healed. Yes, we do have a high priest who knows about our
suffering. He's been there and can relate. He understands and we
are healed because he took it for us. We don't have to bear it
alone, because He is here with us. Taking us through it. I love
Isaiah 43: 1-4 "But
now, this is what the Lord says- He who created you, O Jacob, He
who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I
have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through
the waters, I will be with you; When you pass through the
rivers, they will not sweep over you; When you walk through the
fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you
ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel,
your Savior.”" He didn’t say "if", but "when" you do go
through hard times, I will be with you and we will overcome, for
He is our Lord and God. We are not just conquerors, but more
than conquerors. Roman 8: 35-39. Nothing, absolutely nothing can
separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus, our
Lord. Do you know and have received this free gift of salvation
and love. I have. If not do so, today: Confess you are a sinner.
Ask God to forgive you. Believe that Jesus died for and paid for
your sins and rose again on the third day as the scriptures say.
Ask Jesus into your heart. He loves you and it a free gift from
God. Eternal life with Him is not by our works or our goodness,
but by our faith in what He did for us. Please don't neglect so
precious of a gift.
I am now taking chemotherapy. The
doctor said the combination of the drugs I am taking have
showing to be about 88% effective in treating this type cancer
in the latest study. I should be able to talk again, and maybe
eat by mouth again soon. Praise be to God. I read Psalm 118
every day out loud. It is found exact in the middle of the
Bible. The chapter before it is the shortest chapter in the
Bible, and the one after it is the longest chapter in the Bible.
The exact middle verse in the Bible is Psalms 118:8 "tis better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man."
I am claiming Psalms 118:13-18 "I was pushed back and about
to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my
song. Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of
the righteous: The Lord's right hand has done mighty things! The Lord's right hand is lifted high; the Lord's right hand has done
mighty things! I will not die but live, and proclaim what the
Lord has done. The Lord has chastened me severely, but he has
not given me over to death." I will once again, though
silent for now, be able to sing and talk and praise God with my
mouth and tongue and will tell what great things He has done. |
